Hi there. Been a while huh? Sorry about that, and I hope y’all had a lovely turkey day filled with people you love and yummy food you love even more. I’ve been avoiding writing a blog for weeks and there are a few reasons for that. One; I had some crazy writers block, which ugh it is the worst! And then there is the fact that I was just straight up scared. I’ve had an actual idea or two in my head for a while but skirting around actually doing it because by writing it and admitting to it there is a record of it, I can be held accountable. Granted I do have the power to take down anything in the future but that’s not what this is about and also for the few of you that take your time to read this you can point fingers and guilt me about being a coward. And now that I’ve continued skirting the issue let’s just get on with it shall we?
So I do this thing where I have what I consider to be relatively decent ideas (they mostly come to me at night and pester me into staying awake which is super annoying but what can you do?) and I create a whole big scheme of how I could put this idea into place and follow a schedule or plan and eventually make it come to fruition. But then comes the fear and I neglect to write the idea and all its various components down, I force myself to sleep when in the light of the day I hide it way. I hardly ever share these ideas or concepts with anyone, cause like I said before, by sharing them I sort of commit myself to them. Putting a seed like that out there requires the proper maintenance and care so it can grow and prosper and create something. The fear of not following through and failing terrifies me, it always has, and so I figure it is safer to just never share. By pretending these things never occurred to me or even got me excited and telling that to others I don’t have to risk the chance of disappointing myself or anyone else.
But that isn’t anyway to live and the older I get the more blatant that realization is becoming. I have to grow up at some point and while 22 is still young, it is old enough to stop being childish and learn to share. The people in my life are awesome enough to not expect me to complete every little idea or dream that comes to me, and I have to acknowledge that. I have got to let go of my fear of being this big failure and letting them down, because they have always shown how supportive and loving they have been. Plus if people know then I could lean on them for support or encouragement when I am stuck trying to finally accomplish things. With their help maybe I could see the things I’ve imagined in my head become realities and that sliver of pure joy I get at the thought could be a tangible emotion.
That being said, I am ready to share a couple things with you guys, it’s a small enough audience I feel less pressure and also a supportive one. Secret/idea/dream number one; I have a solid idea for a novel. I’ve always talked about how someday I want to write a book, I want to be a writer. And growing up I’ve always had ideas and concepts, but I never allowed myself to nurture them because of the fear thing. But now since I have to start thinking about a career and someway to make a life for myself I have to recognize that writing is going to take a serious commitment and the right idea to really apply myself to. The original, and most basic, concept came to me this summer one night. I jotted it down in a little journal I keep most of my little ideas in just so I would never lose it completely, and over the last few months I’ve started to develop it.
I have pages of character sketches and a basic outline of what I want the novel to cover. It feels really good to reach that stage of development, and to have something that could for the first time actually, maybe be something. I don’t want to say too much in way of detail because I am nowhere near that brave just yet but I can start by releasing a few tidbits. It will be a young adult novel, yeah not gonna be a world changer this one but young adult has always been what I enjoy to read the most so I am okay with that. That and I know plenty of young adult novels that have left huge impressions on me and plenty of others. It will also be a LGBT focused novel. Which honestly, is the most exciting part to me. Obviously when I declared my minor in LGBT/Sexuality studies people were confused & always asked how I was going to make it work with my English major. I knew it would require specifics & lots of searching but this is a way to do that, and it’s not complicated or rare. I get to combine my love of writing and my passion for LGBT studies and the community, it is perfect.
My goal is to write a book where sexuality and gender are of a focus but not the focus. It’s like I’ve always admired televisions shows like ‘Glee’ or what have you for having openly homosexual characters and exploring that story and letting young kids know it’s perfectly okay to be who you are and you should never be ashamed. I just always want those characters to be more than their sexuality or gender, I don’t want those things to define those characters. So in my mind my novel would have characters of various sexuality and genders and while a major element to the story would revolve around those things, there would be more. Hopefully that all makes sense to you guys, I know it isn’t a ton to go on but it’s what I feel okay sharing now and talking about for now.
The other thing I need to finally just put out there is that I want to work on myself in a physical manner. I’ve always been a girl of the fat variety (and I use fat not as a term of shame or fishing for compliments, I use it because it is accurate and I am not afraid or offended by the word) and that’s always been okay with me. Never have I felt uncomfortable in my skin, I was raised to be happy with me and not ashamed because my jeans size reached double digits before other girls my age. Somehow I escaped societies demands and pressures to represent the super skinny image they shove on youth (mostly I give credit to my stellar mom) and I always said to myself that I would never worry about my weight and appearance until I began to feel uncomfortable or unhappy in my own body.
And up until a month or two ago I never felt that way, but lately I have felt more “gross” than I ever have and I just don’t love what I see in the mirror any longer. It’s not that I am completely disgusted because for the most part not a whole lot has changed about me, but I can feel there is more weight on my body than there was in the past, and it’s just enough to make a difference. For a while I would deny it and figure it had to do with my up and down mental emotions or courses of mother nature but it’s gotten to the point where I am ready to acknowledge it is more and the only way to fix it is to make an effort.
In order to feel better and happier I am going to have to make some changes in my life and that’s super scary for me. Part of me feels that way simply because I am, and never have been, a fan of exercise or a lot of physical exertion. Athletic is never a word used to describe me or a side of my personality. Another part is afraid of coming off fake & not like myself. I’ve always been that girl who laughed at the idea of work outs or running or diets and was okay with the “love handles” on her body. I am kinda scared that if I do this and do make changes to me I will change part of who I am…become a slightly different version of me. I am aware of how silly that all sounds because something like this isn’t monumental and doesn’t have the power to change me in that way unless I allow it too but I still just get nervous at the thought.
For me I just have to remember that if I do this, if I commit myself to an effort to eat better and do a little exercise, it is not to fit an ideal or to appease anyone other than myself. This is not to fit into a certain size or gain the attention of a man, this is for me and my need to be happy and healthy. I worry so much about writing characters that are not defined by things like their sexuality and here I am worried I am defined by my ‘fat and okay with it’ demeanor. That losing a few pounds and just doing things simply to be healthier will drastically alter the person I am. It’s amazing how easily I can be a massive hypocrite to my own self.
So there you have it. I have shared, and de-facto attached myself to, ideas that pester me. I can’t assure you that all or either of these things are definite in my future and I trust you to understand that, but I also am okay if you choose to maybe bug me about them because I’ll know it’s not that you expect anything but that you care. I am always spouting off how lucky I am to have the amazing people I do in my life but I need to remember to give them, and myself, more credit sometimes. Sharing these things with you isn’t going to insure demands or expectations, but rather a bond of knowing a little more and the support that generally I think keeps the whole of the human race going.
Funny thing, I actually feel tons better now that I’ve typed this all and am preparing to hit publish. It’s like a weight or burden has been lifted off my heart and lungs. I don’t need to be so damn scared about just putting ideas out there, after all ideas are not contracts or promises. Just another step in the growing process that while you’d think I would have a pretty good handle on it by now but I seem to still be figuring out as I go along.
There is a goal is to not let this blog go unattended before the winter holiday, but if it does I hope you all enjoy whatever you celebrate and get to end the year as happy as you started it.