Approaching a boundary…if there are any?

Somehow we have found ourselves here, at the brink of a new year. I don’t know about you guys but for me it is a weird combination of dragged on and snuck up on me. A year ago I sat at home wondering what 2012 was gonna present to me and as I sit here reflecting on it I gotta say it’s been pretty dang decent. It has been extraordinary stressful and testing of my nerves, patience, and sanity but at the same time it has given emotions such as joy, pride, and gratitude a run for their money as well. Therefore with just over 24 hours left (it is 11:21 as I start typing this) before we start to put 2012 in the past I am going to wax on, probably not all to poetically, about my experience.

2012 is the year that has been burned in my brain for years as a BIG one. It was the year that I figured out should be the year I graduated from college and essentially became adult. It was like this huge looming goal or expectation, effectively it was like Frodo finally reaching Mordor and destroying that damn ring. Thank goodness I have my own share of Samwises’ and Aragorn’s and eleves and etc to match the Sauron’s  and Orks cause as Boromir might say, “One does not simply walk into Mordor.”

It was the first year that some sort of routine or schedule was being broken and while I am a person who loves and advocates for change this was one I wasn’t so sure I was ready to enthusiastically jump into. When everyone else was worrying about signing up for their classes for next semester I was making sure I filled out all my graduation papers right (I didn’t the first time around by the way) or worrying about how much a damn robe and hat was gonna cost me for the all of 3 hours I wore it. Gone were the worries about not messing up in fear it would affect next semester but replaced by worries about royally fucking up so much they would deny me my degree. It was terrifying and exciting all at the same time. But, as I’ve talked about at length and frequently before I did it, I freaking graduated college! And realistically that’s when it all got real and scary and quiet truthfully, depressing. I didn’t have a job, I didn’t have a plan, I wasn’t an adult in the full sense.

Everyday is a tightrope walk for me where some days I dwell on the fact I live at home, have two part-time jobs and am not living any sort of dream I had for myself, and then on other days I choose to remember that I am only 22 and have a ton of time to get my shit together. I am not the only one in this predicament and I can’t let it eat at me. That constant back and forth can really do a number but at the end of the day I just have to realize I made it through with my head above water and today isn’t the end. I’ve got more years ahead of me than behind me, but the only difference is now they are less charted and planned out than the first 22 have been and if I can get myself this far I can figure out some sort of path to take…or maybe even make.

Luckily just because the routine has vanished doesn’t mean the people who frequent it will as well. I have been so fortunate enough to win some sort of friends and family lottery that never seems to diminish. They help remind me that I am not alone and I need to get out of my head more often than I do. I think they all know how important they are to me and how completely grateful I am to have had the Universe bequeath them onto me but just in case they need to hear it again I am more than willing to thank them and acknowledge my debt to them.

Pushing the serious and mush to the side I want to reflect on some of the super cool things I got to do this year.

-Turned 22

-Go on yet another totally awesome spring break road trip with Kinsey. We flew out to the east coast and then proceeded to put like 3,000 miles on a rental car and ventured all over the east coast seeing something like 10 states in under a week. I mean I got to go to freakin’ Baltimore!!! Do you know how long I’ve waited to do that?

-Through a class I got to help raise awareness for suicide prevention and some LGBTQA related things that was seriously some of the most meaningful and important work I did while I attended college. All while meeting and befriending some insanely stellar individuals.

-Got to hand over the reins of “supervisor” at my job to friends & watch how my staff has grown since I’ve been there and kinda experience that ‘proud mama’ feeling which hey might be the only time I get to do that.

-Had a night out in Lincoln with friends that involved copious amounts of alcohol and dancing that I really should have done more looking back on it but at least I have the one night for sure.

-Graduated. Which yeah we’ve covered but F it that was number one on my Bucket List so I am gonna mention it as much as I damn well please. :)

-In May I went out to Colorado to surprise my friend Christi. I got to see other friends and meet new ones and it was honestly one of the biggest highlights of my year because it had been over a year since I’d seen her and she kinda sorta rocks so it was too long of a break.

-May also was when I lost my Grandpa. Which isn’t really part of the “awesome” things I did this year but it brought me closer to my family in a way I wasn’t sure could happen. Grandpa was the super, crazy, extra-strength glue of our immediate family & none of us took to losing him to well. It wasn’t a total surprise to us but I was just really glad he held out till after I got home from CO and that he reached his 92nd birthday. The awesome part of spending so much time with him right after coming home because in the last four I didn’t get to see him like I did growing up so I had a lot of time too make up for, he got to acknowledge my graduation and even see my cousin graduate high school & leave for basic training. So no it wasn’t awesome but it was humbling & important.

And since then not much else has happened; just work, eat, sleep really. It might be a mundane life for now but that to me just says that I am saving up for some rip-roaring times in the future. I honestly don’t have a list of things ‘to look forward to’ in 2013 yet other than turning 23 and the possibility of seeing some concerts. Not that I need those things to look forward to it, I am always looking forward to the future. The future holds unknown and that’s what makes it so seductive; it could be full of some major shit or it could holding the greatest things ever and the adventure is pushing through, just jumping in in order to find out. It is an odd-numbered year so I am looking forward to it and anxious to see what it has in store for me and the rest of us.

I mean hey we made it through the end of the world so it’s not like we have to worry about that any more. ;)

Happy New Year ladies and gents.

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