Stuck in a Moment.

You know that moment when the perfect song comes on in the perfect moment to take you away from your surroundings and you start to feel like you’re in the part of the movie when the main character has an epiphany. They see the world from a different light and it’s almost like they/you have an out-of-body experience. The world around you takes on a new shade and you brain goes into philosophy 101 levels. And even if I just described that atrociously you kinda-sorta, vaguely understand what I am saying. Yeah well that, that just happened to me. And I am sure that if you read my posts and put up with me you are more than sick of the ‘woe-is-me’ and/or ‘what am I doing with my life?’ stuff, and trust me I am pretty over it too but it seems to keep happening to me so therefore I am gonna write about it cause despite its redundant tendencies I am intrigued and figure it all has to mean something right?

So here I sit on this America’s birthday, outside enjoying the gorgeous weather and my freak opportunity at a day off that is not Sunday. I am reading a book, taking in some sun (cause lord knows my pasty ass needs it), enjoying an adult beverage or two when the song pops up on my shuffle. The song happens to be Kris Allen’s, ‘Vision of Love’ which while I jump at any chance to promote Kris and his amazing music (I mean really go look him up if you haven’t and leave your American Idol judgement at the door) it’s not that the lyrics of that song or the meaning, while great, have anything to do with me falling face first into a  moment. Anyways, I stop reading for a second and just look around, I am faced with the same view I’ve seen for going on twenty years. It’s the view from my front yard, from the couch inside shielded by the window and thick wall of a house. It is a view that pops into my head when I think of “home” and when I think of that comfort that comes with thinking of home. Across the street my neighbor, who happens to be my high school English teacher (and one of my all time favorite teachers) is doing yard work, a couple of houses down another neighbor is playing with her dog, and all around me every so often I hear a firework go off reminding me of the day and people’s general sunny disposition today.

Then I start to think about what other people are doing today. I think of other places and views I am familiar with. Like the view out my dorm window that I became so accustomed to over the four years I spent there. It is likely that room, and the entire building, is empty right now given the time of year but the area surrounding is probably thriving with people on campus for the summer. I think of places I’ve traveled and can remember vividly and figure that the people I saw roaming about then are doing the same today just enjoying the holiday like everyone else. But the thought that occurred to me is that those places are “home” to others, they are the buildings and sites that jump to a handful of people when they are considering their home. And that someday I’ll have to form another visual when I am faced with that word, this isn’t always going to be my “home”, someday it will be just a distant memory like that of the others places I’ve just visited. It will be clearer and more defined than that majority but won’t constitute as the definition of home for probably longer than the time I’ve already held it there.

Years from now when I celebrate the fourth will I remember the one where I sat outside and had a weirdly massive out-of-body experience brought on by a song I can only assume I will still be listening to? The thing about these moments is that at the time they seem so profound and like they will be making a decent impact on your life, a thing you’ll remember for years to come but that isn’t always the case. I know I’ve hand multiple handfuls of these moments over the years and yet right now none of them stick out to terribly to me. This spell of…peace almost…will fade and I’ll find myself back into my routine and going about my days without the clarity I seem to be feeling right now as I can actually hear some church bells chime and the wind blows my hair around in the most wonderfully crazy way. The fact that I’ve documented this one means maybe that yes I will remember it and that it won’t be but a distant memory I can sense but not quite grasp, but that doesn’t mean I can still garner the same tangible feeling of progression and change and humbleness that I am harnessing right now.

It probably doesn’t help that tomorrow is a big day in way of feelings and memories. The fourth will always be a little tainted cause I dread the fifth so much and it brings out some of the strongest emotions in me. There is a special roller coaster of feelings a person goes through when the anniversary of a death rolls around and the ride changes for each person they are remembering but nothing quite kicks an ass like the memory of the first big loss. Every fifth of July I am transported back my sixteen year old body and mindset as the reminder I lost a friend that day hangs with me from the minute I wake up to the blessed second my mind lets me wonder to sleep. That reminder of how easy life can change and be taken away always leaves me a bit…mystified at how I’ve made it this far and just how long I have left to travel this journey of my own life. And like I said before it is a great kick in the ass for me to reevaluate my path thus far and what my plans are for the future paving.

Which means to have this moment today when I am mentally prepping myself for what tomorrow is going to bring it’s a strange clash of thoughts and emotions rolled in with nostalgia and wonderment. But looking down at my left forearm I see my newest tattoo, a triangle centered triskele, and am reminded that the goal is to just keep moving forward. I’m aware of what my past is, what I am currently facing in my present, but I can’t be overwhelmed by both of those and forget to look forward to my future. I’ve got to meld all those together as a sort of anchor that has built me and who I am at the core of my person and not let it all get away from myself. Or else the stupid, mean, evil part of the world wins and despite the fact there are some really awesome villains to cheer for in movies and books this isn’t one of those times and good not only has to win but deserves to win cause as selfish and narcissistic as it sounds…I deserve to win.

Looking around my view is much the same as when I fell into this moment an hour or so ago, in fact it is mostly the same as it has been over the twenty years I’ve taken it in. Sure there are a few structural changes to homes around me, some of the houses have gone through different owners, and thanks to weather not all the landscape looks the same either. But it’s still distinctly the same at it’s very roots, like I’ll always be, even on the fateful day when my idea of “home” alters and I’ve found my niche in the world. It’s a good thing that dictionaries allow for multiple definitions of words cause based on my life, even thus far, I’ll need a few for some of the really important words and things.


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