A Life in the Balances

Happy New Year! I hope you all are enjoying the first impression of our new year and even maybe lucky enough to be enjoying the day by longing around like myself. If you’re not I hope something good makes the day not all work or responsibilities.

A few days ago I had sat down with intentions of doing a year end wrap up and going over my 2014 resolutions but I waited to long and then had to go to work so instead I am doing both a wrap up and look forward post all in one. Reflecting is always a somewhat weird experience for me because it just blows my mind how the concept of time works and how something that feels like I did it just a few weeks ago was actually months ago. Even now as I prepare to make this post I can vividly recall making last year’s post and how bizarre it is to be starting a new one for a whole new year.

I don’t think I am totally alone in being a person who lives a life in the balances. 2014, for me, was neither terrific nor horrendous. I am able to acknowledge there was some shit events and occurrences but at the same time I can’t ignore the plethora of good and truly happy things I was gifted as well. And that’s a place I end up most years, I can’t recall ever being really over a year and ready to move on or excessively sad to see a year pass because it was so near perfect. I am not 100% positive what that all means but I do know that it leaves me thankful for the experiences I’ve had thus far and even more anxious to see what the Universe has in store for me.

But in specific regards to resolutions…I didn’t do as hot has I had hoped or did the year before. A refresher of my 2014 Resolutions;

1. Blog better. More regularly and maybe on topics people who read are interested in.

2. Actively make healthier choices. Excercise more, like at all, and better food choices. Maybe aim to lose 30ish pounds.

3. Take more risks & say yes more.

4. Brush up on my German and teach myself ASL.

5. Keep up with the openness of my thoughts and feelings, as well as spreading positive vibes.

In regards to the first I think I did acceptable. I mean my Project 25 helped with blogging more and I also feel I did a decent job with posts unrelated to it. October was busy for me again and that’s always good at forcing me to keep up with posting. But I do think I could do better and maybe I’ll think about constructing a schedule or plan as far as how often and what I write about. I have no idea who, if anyone at all really, reads my blog other than those that like posts or people in my life who on occasion mention it to me. But each and every of those interactions mean a ton to me and make me want to be better.

I feel like skipping number two, or maybe just copying and pasting from last year because it’s a lot of the same. I always mean well and for a while I’ll be real good but eventually I fall and never really get back on the horse. But maybe I need to do some soul searching and find a different way to approach my body and how I feel about it and what I want from it than just go traditional routes. It’s another thing in my life where I live in the balance of not hating myself or the way I look but knowing I could be better too. Maybe this just isn’t a battle I should be fighting right at this moment and I should move on.

How to measure number three? I want to say I achieved this one, and not just because I don’t want to admit defeat, but because I did say yes and take leaps in areas I would not have a year prior. I took trips all alone because I wanted to and therefore worked hard and saved so I could make the most of them. I went out of my way to not sit in the corner and not bother people and therefore I made new friends and aquantancies that provide happy and positive memories. I shook of my awkward to meet people I admire and wasn’t dissapointed once. Realistically I could stand to take more risks in certain areas of my life and maybe say yes more too but for a start I think I did good in 2014.

Number four was a big ole FAIL. The farthest I got was the ASL book I bought and read about the first 20 pages of. I have no excuse other than I just forgot and never did it. I got busier in certain areas of life and this goal feel to the wayside. It makes me sad and really suck that I dropped the ball on what could have been the coolest resolution to accomplish. But on the plus side, I’ll have that book forever now and I can always go to it and my German will stay fresh-ish as long as I remember to keep asking my aunt stuff and try to use it in little ways (like counting, I like to count in German all the time).

And last but not least I believe I accomplished resolution number five. It kinda goes hand-in-hand with number three but that made it easier to feel comfortable. I was more at ease sharing thoughts and feelings with people and not like I was bothering people with my stupid stuff. Often times it didn’t even matter if people read specific posts or responded because just putting it out into the ether feels better than bottling it up. And that just means when I do get responses it means more because it’s a chance to bond and share something with people that otherwise I would have let sit in my brain and over anayalized.

So as you can see it’s more of the same, some wins and some loses. But overall I am mostly happy and okay with what all went down. Failures and mistakes are good things to experience because they teach and so I can’t think that anything on that list was a waste of time or a totally pointless thing. But now that they are passed it is time to make new resolutions and goals for myself to tackle in the next 365 days.

-x-

Resolutions for 2015

1.Write daily! No excuses just freaking do it!

2. Learn to budget better. Make limits and goals in advance and stick to them! No being frivolous.

3. Be more active. In any way. Not exercising per say but just aim to spend less time on your ass on the couch.

4. Start to seriously plan for the future. Be realistic about the future you want and make plans to achieve it.

5. Celebrate yourself more and refuse to be ashamed about it.

Writing makes an apperance again because I’ve got to get back into the routine I had for a while where it was often and not feeling like a chore. NaNoWriMo this year dragged for me and was not as positive the experience it was the year before. I am not looking to do serious fiction/book writing each day but just as long as I dedicate some time each day I’ll be happier with myself.

Money is never a fun topic to discuss or put as a resolution but sometimes it has to be done. Not that I am widely bad with my finance (actually am relatively good about it all) but I’ve been known to have an impulse or frivolous problem and that needs to get better so I want to work on making budgets and adhering to them. Ugh it’s so adult of me.

Three for now is my new approach to a body resoluton. I think maybe I am focusing too much on the concept of a routine or an exercise plan that I get overwhelmed and easily give up. So now a goal of “more active” in whatever way I want feels easier and more fun, something maybe I could actually tackle.

More adult sounding resolutions but I have to admit where I am (while nothing bad or uncomfortable) is not where I saw myself and not what I truly want for the rest of my life. So it means I need to get more serious about making plans and how I want to get where I want to be. It’s hella scary but such is life.

And onto my favorite one; celebrating me. I’ve been around long enough to know in the past I’ve judged confident people as concided and narcissistic and that I was wrong. There is a line between confident and arrogant and I’ve learned there is nothing wrong with a healthy celebration of self. I am a god damn rock star and while I’ll forget that on occasion it still remains true. I’ve spent more time than I should have and than I care to admit believing I am not worthy of certain things and that’s just bull shit. I am worthy and the more I acknowledge it the better. So if that means spending almost an hour on my face because I want to look glam today then hell yeah I am gonna do it! I’ll take a ton of selfies because I feel I look good and want to share that. I’ll buy a dress or outfit others might think “is not right for my body” because I like it (and also partially to piss off said people). I will be unabashedly me as close to 100% of the time as I can and not be ashamed of it.

So that’s my plan and some of my goals for 2015, what about you guys? I am looking forward to getting this new year underway and having as many awesome experiences as I can. I’ve got so much to look forward to; turning 25, traveling, watching some of my best friends marry, being in one of those weddings, and all sorts of other things I am not even privy to yet!

But for the rest of this first day I am going to huddle under my covers and read…or nap I haven’t decided yet. Looking very forward to sharing more with yall this year on this blog! :)

P.S. as always a picture of the signed resolutions as proof and commitment.

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