Only Seeing the Outside as a Representation of Existence

I’ve been taking walks more frequently lately and while I started that to help myself be a little more healthy in a physical manner I am starting to think it might also be making me mentally healthier as well. It is an automatic half hour or hour that is time I spent with myself and my inner thoughts. Of course I do this at bed time and often through out the day but it feels different from those times because I am already so aware of the motion of walking and what it means to be doing that and improving my life in this small way. So it just makes sense to take the time and consider all the things within my own head that eat at me or steal sleep or make me smile and feel good.

Naturally music is always my partner in this time and while usually I’ll go for an upbeat mix full of fast beats and high energy, I sometimes will put on this playlist that I made full of songs that inspire me. Songs that just remind me that no matter what has happened in the past, what is currently happening, there is always the future and it’s not defined or dead set so there is hope and positive with each step I take and each song I listen to next. They are the songs that can pick me up when I am feeling lower than low, and today, even though I didn’t need the pick up, they brought forth a resurgence of optimism.

It could be a combination of the songs and the fact that the last day or two have felt like the Universe shifted in some small way. I am feeling more connected and aware of little details; from my own emotions to the weather to characters on my favorite shows to random people I interact with during the day. For example during my walk today I wiped away some sweat from my forehead with my hand and then without thinking I let the palm of that hand rest on my upper thigh as I continued to walk. Through my compression pants I could feel with each step this thunder in my thighs that I can’t believe it didn’t shake my whole body with its power. It was a moment where I realized that that power was in me, it came from within my own body with a fierce determination and strength I wasn’t completely aware I had. Almost felt like a message from my body, that has to know lately I’ve been trying to change it in small ways to be just a little better for future me, telling me that even though you don’t always acknowledge it you are capable of great, strong things. Without thought I brought my free hand up to touch the other thigh and for a block or so I let that power within me resonate so that when I need to call on it I can.

At another point a song took me by such surprise I started to tear up at the message and reminder of hope that resides not only in me but in everyone. I looked a handful of feet ahead where there was a couple walking and even a bit in front of them was another pair of people, and it made me smile to think that while we don’t know each other from Adam tonight we had the same thought that a walk would be a nice way to spend part of the evening. No matter what the day or the week we’ve had, we managed to share a similar thought and even though we didn’t walk side by side we shared the path with each other and for those moments we were joined in a small way.

I also saw a man on his porch just enjoying himself watching the world around him, I saw people riding mopeds to destinations I didn’t know, saw into a window on a second level where someone was watching TV, watched as a man and a child played catch in the backyard. In a span of maybe forty-five minutes I had peeked into so many lives and stories and they into mine. I occasionally wonder as I take in others and wonder about what their stories are, if they are doing the same to me. Do they see the girl with purple and teal hair and wonder about what brought her to that decision? Are they curious if my decision to walk on this night, at this specific time, on this certain route?

Even though I never go far it is impressive to me how many potential people I could bump into, how many homes I walk past only seeing the outside as a representation of existence. The town I live in is relatively small, quaint an outsider might say and boring many insiders might say, but that doesn’t mean it is not capable of surprising you. Just last night as I was trying to fall asleep around 3:00 a.m. I had my window open and I could hear cars driving up and down roads near by and even a garage door opening as someone was either just getting home or possibly leaving to start their day. It made me smile to think that while we live far from the bright lights and skyscrapers of large cities we can be alive at hours of the day too. That in the funniest and possibly silliest of ways we are similar to New York or Los Angeles or Chicago in that way.

I can’t be certain how long this connection to emotion and the Universe will last, usually it’s just a spurt for a few days or a week, but I know that I plan to immerse myself in it while I can. I savor the feeling it gives me within my own heart because it is almost like I feel truly invincible. Like I can’t and won’t ever be worried about the future or what it holds for me, I become 100% confident that things will work out for me and for so many others as well. I look at people; both friends and family and coworkers and strangers and feel a string attaching us together in small, unique ways. It sounds bizarre I know but when it also feels like never being alone you don’t feel like scrutinizing or questioning it.

 

Just in case you were curious you can find the playlist I mentioned here. I can’t say with confidence it will affect you in the way it did, or does, me but if anything I love the art of sharing music with people. :) Also enjoy this shot I took on my walk tonight as it was a little thing that took me by surprise towards the end and cemented the goodness of the day.

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