For two weeks I’ve tried desperately to figure out something to write about and get it onto the metaphorical page that is this blog. As you can see from the date of the last post it’s been a while and that is just so annoying to me. Especially considering I’ve not been totally blank on ideas, it’s like my brain can formulate little thoughts and phrases but there is something busted with the spigot and they just can’t flow out. It doesn’t help that I’ve been pretty busy and most of the time these little blips of ideas come to me when I am oh so close to sleep. I should, and do, know better by now that the belief the ideas and words to describe them will still be there in the morning…or that they will just come back to me if I think long and hard.
They rarely do.
So instead I’ve been longing to write for a while with little to go on, and then I just get frustrated and huff away to distract myself with other stuff so I don’t wallow in feeling like a failure. The fact that November is closing in definitely does not help either because I very much plan to participate in NaNoWriMo (and my own creation of ‘Prompt-tober’) again so I need to get back into a grove of writing frequently. Luckily I have come up with a story to write and work on in November so that is at least crossed off my list of ‘Writing Woes’, but that only helps just so much. For me having the itch to write and the words just on the tip of forming full sentences and thoughts but not being able to get them out and mold them is the worst kind of irritation.
And on some level this kind of writer’s block feels like a parallel to my life. Like I have ideas and concepts of things I think I’d like to do long term or as a “career” but it’s finding the so called right way to execute those into a reality that I am pretty bad at. Maybe I’ve idealized too much and it’s starting to lose the shimmer and all the grit of the “real world” is coming out and for the moment I am feeling bummed about it. Which isn’t to say I would ever give up, I can grasp that even if it is shitty for now it won’t always be and I’ll eventually find my way. It’s just for now I feel like I am starring at the ground kicking gravel because I am not sure which of the paths in front of me to take.
One thing (out of a handful of things) I know without a doubt is that writing in some form is on each and every path I can choose between. Even when it’s hard and frustrating and feels pointless, it is ingrained in me and necessary for me to feel mostly complete. Which is possibly why even though all of this I’ve just written feels like crap, it also feels like mandatory crap that I have to deal with to get over it and get better.
I can’t just sit down and have the most on point writing blurt itself from brain to page and I don’t know why I get so angry when it doesn’t work that way. I already know better and I’ve already experienced this and found a way over the hump.
And I’ll do it again.
That’s the point I think. That when you feel stuck you can’t let yourself sink in the mud and make a home there. For a lot of reasons, but mainly because it’s gross and not acceptable. You might not notice the pull at first, but then it reaches your ankles, your calves, your knees and then you have to take notice and do something. Forcing myself to write this and not worry about how not great it feels is me noticing and doing something. I’m going to have bad blogs, I’ve probably already had a few (thanks for not telling me though), and that’s fine. That’s good.
In fact I already feel a little better than I did when I started typing this blog. I am still anxious about the future and getting out of whatever non-writing funk I am in, but I can’t do a whole lot about that at the current moment except preemptively tell myself it will be alright.
Hopefully I’ll write more in the coming weeks even though I’m still pretty busy doing mundane life requirements (and the occasional super fun, awesome things like participating in one of your best friends weddings!). I don’t think I’ll stop being “busy” until 2016 so I am just going to have to buck up and stop whining and shutting down when things go a little awry in the writing department.
If you made it through this in general, thank you so much. If you made it through this without rolling your eyes or mumbling to yourself about how ridiculous I am; high fives and thank you so much as well. I try not to be too dramatic and over emotional but I am a Pisces. Anyways I hope you having the most wonderful summer (mine’s been pretty excellent not going to lie) and I’ll hopefully write much sooner than later.