Ageing and Attempts to Understand Love

I’ve reached the inevitable part of my life where my peers are starting to get married or having babies, or both, and it has me feeling certain ways. Without a doubt I am so, so excited for my friends because they are ecstatic and I couldn’t ask for anything other than that. However, watching people be so innately happy without having to try… it ah, unearths feelings inside that I often try to ignore or pretend I am immune to.

Babies not as much because as far as I can tell they just aren’t for me. I’m all for being the “Aunt” when my best friends start having kids, but y’all have to watch out because I will be the one teaching them curse words & probably slightly inappropriate pop culture things. I just don’t know if I desire being a parent. I think, if I had to be, I’d be an okay parent. I’ve had a pretty decent set of examples between my own incredible mom and other parent-like figures in my life that I think I could do an okay job. Just as of right now it’s not anything I yearn for. Which is kind of a downer for the simple fact that I have some hella cute baby names picked out…but I guess that’s what creating characters is for right?

Weddings on the other hand…those hit me like arrows. I think the assumption is that single women in their twenties hate weddings because it is some sort of torture to have two peoples love shoved in their face and be heavily reminded of their singleness. And at first I too thought I might feel that way, but I don’t. The first wedding of a good friend I was invited to confirmed that I don’t lack love, if that makes any sense. I felt more inspired and hopeful than deterred or down about love. I got to watch two people be so happy that they found love in each other that they invited friends and family to watch them declare it and then celebrate it over food, booze, and dancing.

And I just can’t be sad when I think about that.

Every wedding I’ve ever attended never made me feel like my lack of a partner dampened the event or like I was less than. And maybe I am just really lucky because the weddings I’ve been to (or apart of) are people who have never made me feel that way in pretty much any area of life. So when I am at these weddings the thoughts running through my mind aren’t, “Ugh I wish I had this right now.”, but instead more along the lines, “I can’t wait till I have this too.”

I’ve always been pretty positive about someday.

But lately I’ve been crossing my fingers that someday will come sooner rather than later. As I get older, (I use that word lightly because 25 is not ~old by any means, I get that) I am beginning to desire the idea of having a companion. I’ve mostly always been the girl without a significant other, the third…or fourth wheel. It’s never bothered me, and still doesn’t really. I don’t mean to say I require it or feel I need it to feel complete or anything, but more so I am ready to make it more of priority in my life. There are a handful of reasons I’ve never made it a focus; school, location, future plans, self preservation from rejection. And some of those still carry some stock. It’s just…I’m tired of having a list of why I don’t try to find someone or to date more, or just in general actually.

Honestly, a bigger (than I want to admit) reason is that I am a hopeless romantic and I can only get my fix from Rom-Coms/TV/books/music to a certain extent. I’ve read and watched and listened to so many people fall in love and while I enjoy every minute of it I would love to have concrete evidence that I can feel it for myself.

Does this mean I am going to go trolling the bars or join some online dating site the minute after I hit publish on this post? Probably not. Not that there is anything wrong with either of those things, it’s just that I don’t know if I am the ‘jump right in’ kind of person in this kind of situation. It means I am going to work on being more open to dating and understanding what love is versus what I believe it is. I just know that I have watched a lot of my friends find love and I am so over the moon for them that I get anxious with wonder about how it will feel when I happen to find that for myself. And I am not going to get that if I don’t make a slightly different effort than I have been.

Witnessing and never experiencing something can get tiresome after a while and I never want to get jaded on the idea of love. Someday is still out there, it’s still coming, but nobody said anything against hunting it down a little did they?


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