Working Through It

At what point does one say, “Enough!” and truly mean it? When do you have to stick with that rash, emotional, in-the-moment, gut feeling and follow it through.

I know that in a long game, overall sort of thought process I am making the more correct choice to stay at a job that brings me a lot of negatives. It pays too good to let go of when what I need to make my escape quicker is money and financial security. It also works so well with my other job and schedule, so it has some pros going for it.

But at what point do I fully acknowledge the giant, monster sized con can (and is very, very, close to) outweigh all of those pros? How many hours do I have to sit in a frustrated stew? How many times do I have to cry to get out the anger and feeling of being insulted? How much do I stay silent, when all I want to do is scream?

I know that by making the choice I am, I am risking my mental health and in a way how I value my self-worth (in small ways really, but they are still ways). But I also know that if I can find a way to stick it out, to get a temporary fix, it will benefit me my long run. If I can just grin and bear it and keep collecting my checks, than I can take that money and get far away and closer to my happy…or at least happier part to my life’s journey.

I am completely aware too, that fear, and my overwhelming stock pile of it, is a contributing factor to my decision. I have never had to quit a job because I am unhappy or feel disrespected.I have never had to be looking for a new job so that if/when I quit my uncomfortable one I am not going to be losing money. I’ve never had to rough out a shitty situation so that I can make lemonade in bulk later.

So yes, I am afraid to take the risk of quitting a job for the sake of mental health and happiness. I am afraid to find a new job that would probably not be able to pay me what I make at said crappy job and would likely ask me to change my amazing purple hair, and might also not work around my other (much more enjoyable) job I have right now. Especially I am afraid to do that knowing that I’d like to be gone from this town in the next year and a half. I don’t like the idea of starting semi fresh when I know I have no plans to last a could be hurting this company that at one time helped me.

I think too much.

And ultimately I’ve written all of this knowing that my decision stand because it makes the most sense.

Small picture? No. It’s a confused, jumbled mess. Things don’t align and something we (tears most likely) have streaked the colors, making it difficult to line up.

But big picture? Yes. If you step back you’ll see you’re too focused on a small section or a corner area. properly see how things shift and slide into their logical-ish place. The small, and garbled inconsistencies actually fall perfectly into a thought out and cohesive image.

 

Or I’ll a mental break down from stress and feeling too many things before I can stir the sugar into the sour lemon juice and the pitcher is worthless and I’ll have to start all over from scratch. It’s a crap shoot, this game of life.

It feels like a sort of torture now and I hate it all so much, but I am choosing to believe that somewhere down the line I will be happy. And at that time I’ll know I was the smarter and better person and it was the right choice instead of just logical choice.

I’ll know I made a very competent decision.

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